So I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I’ve been very much absent these past few weeks. Or at least I hope you have. I would hate to be forgotten.
I feel like sharing the reasons for my absence, even though I know I’m not obligated:
- My job demands much of my time and energy (10 hour shifts plus 2-3 hours commute time), and leaves little for the writing work I actually enjoy–especially with the fibromyalgia also demanding more than its fair share of my time in rest and recuperation. For some reason, this has to be through mindless tasks where I don’t have to think, like video games or sleep. Writing seriously (for profit!) doesn’t qualify as restful even though I wish it did; it qualifies as a second job.
- My job feels like a soul-sucking dead end chained to a desk (not even a full cubicle!) by a phone cord, and my creativity has been drained and underfed by the demands of being an introvert who is attempting to deliver pleasant customer service for hours upon hours every day. When I do have the time (the easiest thing to get on my ‘need this in order to write’ list; energy and anything resembling creativity are a lot harder to come by), I find myself staring at the blank page for a long and useless stretch. Or worse, I end up scribbling profanities and expressing the desire to die in a way that would make the goths from my late 1990s high school proud. I THINK I can still count this as writing practice… but it’s not going to generate any income or publicity for me.
- In spite of thinking that I had everything under control, but perhaps not surprising given the emotionally draining nature of my job, it would seem that my anxiety/panic attacks are back. And with a side helping of severe depression, of course. I’m not doing well right now. I’ve been waking up every day in flight-or-fight mode, but there’s nothing to fight and nowhere I can run. This high-adrenaline limbo is taking a serious toll on both my mental and physical health, and I’m not sure how much longer I can last before something breaks somewhere. It’s not helping the fibromyalgia, that’s for sure. Nothing triggers a chronic condition like stress.
I’m working hard to overcome the last one, because it is the worst of the three. Nothing is as awful as being stuck in flight-or-fight mode and not being able to go either way. It affects EVERYTHING about a person’s life.
That being said, I still think I’m going to take advantage of what’s left of my weekend today. I have a bit of yard work to do, and then, if I’m not too terribly shaky still, I may attempt a trip to the bookstore cafe to sit and write something besides death and profanities….
Wish me health and luck and good thoughts/prayers if you can. I really need them all right now in doses I can’t make happen alone.
<3 <3 <3
(And PS- if you haven’t yet bought my book, that could help me out a little too! Share it with your friends/family/etc. as well! Okay, shameless plug over now. 😛 I love you all. )